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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26783710">And I never will surrender to that narrow view of gender</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLokii/pseuds/CaptainLokii'>CaptainLokii</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adorable Choi Soobin, Confused Choi Yeonjun, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Nonbinary Character, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:28:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,623</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26783710</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLokii/pseuds/CaptainLokii</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Why was it that one word in a single encounter sent him spiralling into a world of confusion that he didn't even know how to begin to understand. Why had he become so fixated on a single thing that everything he thought he knew about himself went out the window. Also why were his maknaes all such brats.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>90</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>And I never will surrender to that narrow view of gender</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>strict rule of Wifey you aren't allowed to read this. </p>
<p>This fic started out as something else entirely. Like completely different. It was meant to be a crack fic on Yeonjun being trolled by the maknaes.</p>
<p>This fic contains a non binary character that starts out questioning their identity so male pronouns are used for the majority of the fic but change at the appropriate time. </p>
<p>It also features other enby characters with a reference to self harm and suicide attempts. if that is a trigger for you then when you get to the paragraph that starts with "i feel that most days" skip forward a paragraph it's the only mention. </p>
<p>Please leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When he looked in the mirror he didn't see masculinity but he couldn't say he saw himself as all together feminine either. He had never been particularly shy about his appearance though he wouldn't have ever referred to himself as attractive in anything more than jest. His bandmates would tell him he was cute or handsome all the time but he'd never believed them. The thing that bothered him most of all about the whole thing was the word handsome. He didn't like that word. It didn't fit. He liked being complimented like any person would but when ever someone told him he was handsome he'd get a twisting feeling in his gut and a voice in his head screaming “wrong, wrong wrong”.  What was wrong about handsome he didn't know but his brain didn't like it.</p>
<p>Once at a show a MOA had held up a sign calling him pretty. His bandmates had laughed and teased him about it for the rest of the show but he wasn't offended by it. The word gave him a twisting feeling in his gut to but his brain didn't scream at him this time. </p>
<p>He knew about transgender people and he knew how they were treated in his country and the rest of the world. He'd questioned himself so many times over as to if he was trans and didn't know it yet or was in denial. He didn't think he was transgender it was a term that didn't fit him. He didn't think he was a girl but then what would he know? How is a person supposed to know what their gender is when they've been boxed into one their entire lives. He'd done a bit of googling to read stories of transgender people and their experiences and they all seemed to say they'd known since childhood that they were actually male or female. He didn't know so did that mean he wasn't transgender? </p>
<p>He'd also thought that being transgender was somehow tied into your sexuality. He thought that if you were actually a girl it meant you had to like guys now and if you were actually a guy you had to like girls now but then it didn't make sense to him either. Guys liked other girls and girls liked other girls and then their was bisexual people so where did they fit into the mix? It had taken another round of research to learn that gender and sexuality were to completely separate things so you could be a trans woman that was a lesbian or a transman that was gay. </p>
<p>Gay. That was another word that had plagued him throughout his late childhood and early teens. He'd realised at 13 that he may be attracted to other boys. He'd been rehearsing at the label and a new trainee had joined and he'd made his heart flutter. He had been so freaked out by it he'd left the dance lesson and gone and actually done his homework for once in order to distract himself. He had a bit of a crisis after that made harder by the fact he didn't yet have anyone he could talk to about it. It would be a few years yet before he'd get to join a group and debut with people he loved dearly and would feel safe enough to talk to them about his sexuality. In his debut days he'd been considered to be unlucky by the younger trainees as the older he got the lower his chances got of ever joining a group. Boys much younger than him joined and debuted time and time again and he would be left without being picked once more. The label and his teachers would tell him he was talented that he was going to be chosen one day. They even called him the legendary trainee but he felt he was only legendary because of how unlucky he was. This meant he never got to make friends as a trainee not till the man who would go on to become his manager approached him and told him they finally had a group they felt he would fit into. He'd almost got to the age in which trainees were told their chances were up and they'd be sent home in the disgrace of not being good enough to make it. He'd been taken into a room to meet his knew band members having not known them before as they were younger so in a different class to him. Soobin was the first one to speak to him. He was tall and handsome and his smile curled up at the corners making him look rather cat like. He'd come up to him and introduced himself and told him what his role would be in the group. He had been chosen as leader. Most trainees that were older than their members would be jealous of this that they had not been given the role of leader but he was glad. He could see it in Soobin's face straight away that he had the quality's needed to be a good leader and far more patience that he ever had. The next person he met was Beomgyu who was small with a fairy like face that giggled and wrestled with their next oldest member Taehyun. He'd known from the off that those two were going to be trouble. They both had that mischievous glint in their eye that said 'you will never get a moments peace as long as we are around' and he'd been right. The final boy didn't even approach him for he was curled up asleep on coats piled up in the corner cuddling a plushy rabbit tight in his arms. His face told him he was young he'd've figured about 13 if it wasn't for his height. He looked like he'd be taller than Soobin even if he grew much more. Soobin told him his name was Kai but he would be known as HueningKai and that he was American so his Korean wasn't quite perfect yet. He'd instantly felt a protective streak towards the young boy who Soobin later told him was actually 16 despite appearances. It didn't even take till they were moved into dorms together for him to know these were people he could trust and who he'd one day soon come to love. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Over the years his sexuality became almost like a weapon to drive away those who were uncomfortable with it. The other trainees half thought he was joking and half feared he would infect them with his sexuality like he would with his bad luck so they avoided him more. He didn't need them. He didn't want them to be his friend if they couldn't let him be him. His band mates were never uncomfortable with him though. They let him him be himself regardless and would even join in with a bit of flirtatious behaviour to make other people uncomfortable.</p>
<p>It was Soobin he told first. He was the first member he met and they'd fast become best friends. He told him not long before their debut just in case. He feared that his friend wouldn't love him any more or want to be in a band with him if he knew for certain that he was gay. He knew deep down that Soobin wasn't like that, that he wasn't homophobic in any way shape or form but his opinion mattered to him. He'd not had someone he cared about that much in his entire life. It had been at about 1am when he'd mustered up the courage to tell him. They'd been in bed for a while already as they all had school the next day but he hadn't been able to sleep as he played different versions of how the conversation could go in his head. Eventually he just slid out of bed and across the floor and climbed into the bed beside Soobin and tucked himself into the open arms Soobin automatically did to let him in. “are you okay Hyung?” he'd whispered sensing that something was getting at him. He'd folded into the warm embrace and whispered for the first time in his life that he thought he might be gay. He had been tense the moment the words left his lips but Soobin was Soobin, ever kind and loving, who told him he loved him and pulled him in closer to his chest where he felt safe. The next morning when they'd woken up Soobin reminded him again that he loved him and placed a gentle kiss to his forehead. He was slightly ashamed to admit that when he went to shower that morning he'd cried the entire time because he was half expecting Soobin to walk away and abandon him. Beomgyu was who he'd told next and just like Soobin had he'd accepted him with open arms and it would be just under a year after they debuted that Beomgyu would approach him himself one evening to tell him he thought he might be gay to. He'd held him just like Soobin had to him and told him it didn't matter who he loved as long as he loved himself.  Beomgyu was who he told next and just like Soobin he'd accepted him with open arms. Taehyun had reacted as expected. He'd told him he knew already and didn't care because he was his Hyung and then teased him incessantly about it for the next few months. He loved the teasing. One it meant that Taehyun was honest in his acceptance and two because it meant he could chase after the little shit and beat him with the nearest soft object till his cackling turned into pleading for someone to save him from the ensuing tickle attack. </p>
<p>Hyuka was who he told last. His worry with telling him wasn't that he thought he'd react badly but more in that he wasn't sure his youngest brother would understand. He was quite a bit younger than all of them and due to his unusual upbringing where he didn't spend to long in the same place let alone country for all that long he'd never quite managed to grow up and was much more innocent and childlike than anyone else his age. He'd managed to avoid the wide variety of people one would meet if they spent their entire lives living in one place. Though Hyuka was probably a bit more innocent that the rest given how he himself had lived in America for a few years growing up. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They loved their maknae for who he was and loved his unashamed joy of sitting on the floor of their dorm playing with his toys and plushies without a care in the world. It hadn't been long after moving in together that they one by one started joining in on his games. He'd admit at first after the boy had woken up from his nap on the day they met he'd found him rather strange. In front of him sat a 16 year old boy who giggled and spoke like he was a young child and seemed to carry multiple cuddly toys around with him at all times. He'd made a joke with the older boys that had left Hyuka looking rather confused. At first he'd thought maybe it was like Soobin had said and he just didn't understand Korean so he'd explained in English and he'd remained looking confused. That was the first time he'd learned how innocent the boy actually was and he'd worried how he'd cope with idol life. He worried that idol life didn't make him jaded like trainee life had him. </p>
<p>He'd been right about his youngest brothers reaction. Hyuka didn't understand. At first it was because of his still not perfected Korean that he didn't know the word for gay yet so he explained again in English. He'd been as confused as he was when he'd first researched gender and sexuality years ago and said he didn't know boys liking other boys was an option. He'd carefully explained to him that it was no different than if he liked a girl to which he'd shrieked that he didn't like girls as it was gross. God he loved his innocence. It had made him laugh seeing the horrified look upon his face. It was then Taehyun decided to be his ever helpful self and tell Kai that being gay meant “it means he likes a dick up his ass” which had resulted in Hyuka screaming his dolphin scream and running off to hide in his and Soobin's room where Taehyun couldn't find him without risking Soobin's wrath. He was really glad there was plenty of pillows and plushies around him to beat the shit out of Taehyun with right then. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took about a week of both he and Soobin trying to get Taehyun to shut up and stop corrupting the baby before he accepted defeat. Hyuka hadn't looked at him once without blushing since. God Taehyun was such a brat and Beomgyu wasn't much better having joined in with his stupid games to tease Kai. </p>
<p>Having his brothers by his side and loving him regardless made him comfortable in accepting his sexuality and he'd never stop being grateful to them for it. But being comfortable being gay still did nothing to take other things off his mind. He'd thought or maybe tried to convince himself that his disdain for being called handsome was simply because he was gay because all gay men had to be feminine or at least that's what TV had told him over the years. He knew that wasn't actually true, that it was simply a form of homophobia that was rampant in media be it from the east or west but it gave him something to blame. He knew many people that both worked for and were signed by Big Hit that were openly queer to their friends and colleagues but closeted to their fans. The only person he knew that had ever publicly said anything about his sexuality had been Yoongi, his Hyung from BTS, who had written a song which rather explicalty said he sucked cocked. Yoongi wasn't feminine and he didn't care about being called handsome he knew that because he'd heard his own bandmates call him that multiple times. But on the flip side to that BTS also had Jimin who was beautiful and tiny and the definition of feminine males and was openly gay to his brothers yet he was called handsome and pretty as well as cute and didn't bat an eye at any compliment what so ever. </p>
<p>So why did being called handsome bother him so much? </p>
<p>~~</p>
<p>It was months later after his bandmates had teased him about being called pretty by MOA that he was trying to get ready at their dorm for an awards show they were getting to perform at later. The show had much bigger bands attending and performing so there hadn't been space for them to get a dressing room so they'd had to all fight each other in the bathroom to get a good enough view of the mirror to do their own make-up. They'd settled in a formation of himself, Beomgyu and Taehyun leaning down whilst Soobin and Kai stood behind them. Hyuka had reached his hand out from above him to play with his hair which the other boys took note of “Your hairs getting so long Hyung” Beomgyu had said “It's really pretty” the other boys all spoke in agreement and he preened at his reflection in the mirror. His hair had started getting so long it touched his neck and in its cotton candy shade of pink that framed his face even he had to admit he looked a bit cute. “You really do Hyung” Hyuka said reaching down to pinch his cheeks “So cute”. There was that twisting feeling again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>~~</p>
<p>It played on his mind more and more what his friends had said that day. He liked being called pretty that wasn't the issue it was more why he felt more connected to that than he did handsome. He'd been getting his make-up done for a photo shoot a few weeks ago and the make-up artist had said they needed to put more make-up on his jaw line to make it appear more masculine and he'd almost recoiled from the advancing make up brush. His chest had tightened and he verged on having a panic attack right in front of everyone. Soobin had saved him, sensing something was wrong, by telling the make-up artists that they were meant to be going for a softer look this time. He was more grateful than ever to have his best friend there. </p>
<p>He'd tried experimenting with his style recently putting in more feminine looks or just wearing flat our girls clothes. None of his friends had reacted and MOA seemed to be liking his new look though he still got the usual hate comments. The first time he'd put a skirt on over the top of his trousers he was sure this would be when someone would say something but all he got was a compliment of Kai who then went back to what he was doing playing jenga with Beomgyu. He felt more comfortable than he had in a long time wearing this mix of styles where he could look both feminine and masculine in one go and still feel like himself. Even the label had started adjusting his costumes to not be as 'hard' looking as they put it. He figured they'd allow for that given Soobin's outfit when they filmed can't you see me. It felt good but he still didn't know why he felt like that, why he felt drawn to these clothes. It wasn't even just the clothes that did it it was just how he felt as a person and how others treated him like that. It went from bro hugs and hand shakes in formal situations with his friends to full body hugs all the time and more kisses on the head and cheek from Soobin and the maknaes than ever before. </p>
<p>He knew he wasn't trans so what the hell was he. He'd wake up some days and go to shower and be perfectly okay and then others he'd wake up and feel disgusted at the sight of himself in the mirror with his eyes targeting particular areas more than others where he felt he had to much of one thing and not enough of another. Those days were the worst. He hated when they had to film on those days when all he wanted to do was put on his most oversized clothing and hide away in his room till the feeling went away. </p>
<p>They were rehearsing for a up coming show and the studio was roasting hot and even Soobin had removed his shirt to cool off. Taehyun had gone as far as to get into just his boxers and shoes to dance without a single fuck given as who might walk in. He on the other hand just pulled his over sized shirt further down his thighs and folded his arms over his chest. He hated feeling like this. “You okay Hyung” Taehyun had said looking at him concerned. He knew if Taehyun wasn't trying to tease him about something then it must be more than just him concerned with his behaviour. “yeah” he'd assured them “I just think I need some fresh air or something” he backed out of the room as fast as possible ignoring Hyuka calling “Hyung?” after him. He just needed air. That's all he needed. Some fresh air to clear his head and stop overthinking every little thing and it would all be okay. </p>
<p>It wasn't okay and his head didn't clear with the fresh air. He hated what ever this was. He hated not being okay and not being able to act normally with his friends and being inconvenient to them when all they wanted to do was practice. He hated being uncomfortable with his own existence.</p>
<p>He didn't go back to training that day. He sent a short text to his brothers saying he wasn't feeling well and was going to go lay down. He'd run back to the dorm not waiting to get a car to take him home and the second he'd got in through the door he'd dived under his duvet and hidden there for the rest of the day. His friends didn't come and bother him after they got back. Not even when they had food. He knew Soobin would've made sure something was left for him in the fridge if he wanted it. </p>
<p>It was dark outside when he dared to venture out from under his duvet. He'd heard the maknaes go to bed long ago with them all having school in the morning. They'd done their usual routine of bickering and throwing things around their room until they eventually settled down and went to sleep. He didn't check to see if Soobin was asleep across the room from him. </p>
<p>He crept quietly down the hall so as not to wake the younger members and went over to the fridge carefully prying open the door. The light was blinding in the dark room he had to cover his eyes. “Yeonjun?” Soobin said still half asleep on the sofa. The light must've woken him. “Are you okay? You didn't come back and then you didn't leave your room all day. We're worried about you Hyung”. He could feel his eyes on his back as he gripped on to the fridge doors handle tightly. If he could see in the dark he'd guarantee his knuckles were white and the handle not far from snapping off with how tight he was gripping it. “Hyung?” he called again. He sounded even more concerned than Taehyun had been earlier. He wondered if they'd talked about him earlier after he walked out. Maybe they'd talked about him before. He wasn't stupid enough to think they wouldn't notice something was bothering him. He wanted to talk to them all for so long but he didn't himself know what was wrong let alone be able to put it into words. </p>
<p>He doesn't notice hes started crying until Soobin's hands are on his back and turning him around to pull him into his chest. “Hyung what's wrong? I can make it better if you talk to me” he let out a sob into the taller boys shirt. “You can't” he whispered “You can't make it better” “Why not? What's wrong Yeonjun?” This was all just one big nightmare and he was going to wake up soon and all this would be gone and things would get back to how they used to be. He wouldn't have to sneak around in the early hours of the morning in order to avoid having conversations he didn't know how to have. “Come on Hyung lets go sit down. Take your time and we can figure it out and make it better” he let the younger boy take him by the hand and lead him to the sofa he'd been sleeping on just moments ago. He didn't put up a fight as he was pulled down to lay down with his head in Soobin's lap. He didn't say anything as Soobin ran his fingers through his hair in an attempt to calm him and make him feel better. It didn't. He didn't like keeping things from his best friend he always felt like he was lying to him. He buried his head into the warmth of his soft belly and cried everything he'd felt over the last few years out into Soobin's pyjamas. </p>
<p>He didn't know how long he stayed like that, crying into his friends lap whilst Soobin played with his hair and rubbed his back. His years had died down into hiccups and he was drained of any energy he had left. “Soobin” he whispered into the now soaking went blue fabric. His whisper was so quiet he almost hoped he hadn't heard it. “Do you think someone can be both a boy and a girl?” “like a hermaphrodite?” he'd replied “no...like....I know it's crazy...I know its just something in my head and not real...but sometimes I feel like like I am a boy and sometimes I feel like I'm a girl and other times I don't feel like I'm either...I'm going mad Soobin and I don't know what to do. I just want it to go away” He tried not to start crying again from the shame he felt at confessing what he was feeling to Soobin. Soobin remained quiet for so long he was scared if he looked up at him he'd see an expression of disgust and anger on his cat like features. He didn't want Soobin to be mad at him. He could handle other people hating him but he needed Soobin. Soobin always managed to find a way to make things better. “I've heard about that. I don't know much about it but I know people that feel that way exist” That wasn't what he expect to hear. He expected Soobin to shove him to the floor and tell him he needed locking away for being crazy or something. Not for him to tell him that what he felt was real. “I heard Namjoon say something when he was talking to Jungkook when we did that photo shoot I didn't mean to eavesdrop so I only heard part of it but I know they said something about something binary. Maybe that's what you're feeling? Maybe you aren't a boy or a girl. Maybe you're just Yeonjun?” He was surprised first at that his hyungs had been talking about such a subject but also at goody two shoes Soobin had been eavesdropping on their hyungs. “Why don't you talk to Namjoon? Maybe he can tell you about it? I'm sure he won't mind he loves helping people. I can come with you if you want? They're recording tomorrow all day so we might be able to grab him whilst he's on a break?” Did he want to speak to someone else about it? Would they be as accepting as Soobin was? What if the conversation that Soobin didn't hear was negative and they'd hate him for it? What if they told their managers? Would they kick him out of TXT? Would they end his contract? “what if they don't like me any more?” “Hyung that won't happen I promise. Look how about this. I go talk to Namjoon on my own first and then if things go okay I can come get you?” That didn't sound to bad. If Namjoon didn't like people like him then he'd never have to know who Soobin was on about. It sounded safer than just going straight up to someone he admired enormously and going “hey I heard you might know why I'm so fucked up in the head please help me” he nodded affirmation and let himself be folded once more into Soobin's arms. “It's going to be okay Hyung I promise I'll help you and we can make this okay again.” he believed him. Soobin didn't break his promises. </p>
<p>~~</p>
<p>At some point in the night Soobin had either dragged or carried him he wasn't sure back into the bedroom and he'd stayed at his side all night keeping him safe and warm in his arms. He woke up curled up in a ball against his best friends chest where he could hear the faint almost purring noise the younger boy made in his sleep. </p>
<p>Later when they had a break in practice Soobin pulled him aside and told him he was going to go see if Namjoon was free and he'd be back soon whichever way the conversation went. He gave him a reassuring hug and left. He wasn't sure if he should panic now or later. Should he run after Soobin and tell him not to go and talk to Namjoon? Should he tell him it was all a big mistake and to forget the whole thing even though he knew he'd never believe him. “Hyung do you want to see the magic trick Taehyun has been teaching me? I'm getting really good!” Hyuka called from where the maknaes were tucked away in the corner of the room. “What he means is he doesn't drop the cards any more not that he can perform the trick” Taehyun said which earned himself getting the entire pack of cards dumped on his head from their youngest member. He sat down and joined them in their little group in hopes it would be a distraction.</p>
<p>Taehyun had been wrong in his judgement of Hyuka's magic skills but only in the sense on all his attempts he still consistently dropped half the cards into his lap but he didn't give up until Soobin opened the door again about 20 minutes later. “Hyung can I borrow you for a second?” here it was...maybe if Soobin was coming to get him it meant it was good news? Or did he not want to tell him that Namjoon thought he was insane in front of the maknaes? “Someone's in trouuuuble, someone's in trouuuble.” Beomgyu singsonged as he stood up. He snatched the hat of Taehyuns head and hit Beomgyu with it as he walked out leaving the brats giggling in his wake. </p>
<p>“It's okay Hyung Namjoon wants to talk to you that's all. It's nothing bad I promise” Soobin said as he took him by the hand and lead him to one of the recording studios in the building. He knocked softly on the door and heard the faint call from inside to enter. The room was dark but he could see Namjoon sat at the desk playing with something on his laptop. The thing he didn't expect to see was Jungkook also in the room scribbling something lazily into a notepad. “Hey Yeonjun” Namjoon said smiling at him. He greeted both his hyungs with a bow. “No need for formalities come sit down. Soobin Say's you have some questions we might be able to answer. I hope you don't mind I got Jungkook to come in to but I think he might be of some help to you also.” He didn't answer just took a seat perched on the edge of the sofa beside Jungkook. “Relax Hyung I told you it's okay” Soobin said joining him on the middle sofa seat between him and Jungkook. </p>
<p>“Soobin said you had some questions about being Non-Binary.” Namjoon said. Was that the word  Soobin couldn't remember? Was that what he was? “Do you know what that is?” he shook his head “It's when someone doesn't identify with being male or female or they might identify with being both. It's a term for someone who doesn't identify with the cis binary of being male or female” he explained. “It's not all that uncommon and more people are openly identifying as such given the world is becoming safer to freely express their true identity's but I understand it can still be scary for some people if they aren't used to such things.” That did sound like him. That definition sounded exactly like him and Namjoon said it was normal. So he wasn't crazy? </p>
<p>“Some people like to use gender specific pronouns like she or he and others prefer neutral terms like they or them. Some people use all of them or use them in different situations” Jungkook piped up putting his notebook away. “We both prefer neutral pronouns but for band purposes we have to use male ones” wait what? They both used neutral pronouns? Did that mean they were like him? Is that why they were talking about it at the photo shoot? “You both?” he asked not needing to finish his sentence. “mhm. Joonie told us ages ago...well they told Yoongi ages ago then we eventually found out but I didn't tell anyone till a few months ago. Still haven't quite told everyone either. It's difficult.” But Namjoon was always so masculine in sharp suits and the like... Jungkook he could see but not Namjoon. “But...” “But I don't look anything but male? I know. It's not about how you look its about how you feel. Believe me I beat myself up about how I looked for far far to long and it really wore me down. That's how I ended up telling Yoongi in the first place because I couldn't stop thinking all sorts of terrible things and I was scared about what might come next if I didn't talk to someone. You don't have to change how to look to be non-binary as long as you feel comfortable inside. You can show your identity in what ever form you chose.” So it didn't matter if someone was manly or not? It didn't matter that he hated being considered manly even on his boy days? Was that what he should call them? Boy days? “but...” he didn't finish his sentence. He had so many questions but he didn't even know where to start. </p>
<p>“take your time Hyung You don't have to ask all your questions now” Soobin assured him. He took his hand into both his and held it tight. “Why don't you start with telling them when you first noticed you weren't a boy?” okay..that sounded easier than coming up with his own questions. “The first time we trained together. Taehyun called me handsome and it felt so wrong. It made me feel almost sick. Then everyone kept saying it and saying it and I hated it. I thought it was just like low self confidence or something? But then a MOA said I was pretty and it felt like it fit. I thought maybe I was a girl but I don't feel like one sometimes yet other times I can't even look at myself in the mirror” he squeezed his eyes shut trying to stop the tears from coming. “I'd feel sick if I looked at...there....on those days. It felt like a parasite attached to me ad I couldn't do anything about it.” “oh Yeonjun” Soobin's voice cracked “I'm so sorry. If we'd've  known or if you'd said something we would have stopped and helped you.” Soobin's eyes were getting red now to. </p>
<p>“I feel that most days” Jungkook said reaching over Soobin to take hold of one of his hands “I have days I wake up and my body doesn't fit me. I knew Joonie was enby but I didn't want to accept that maybe I was to. I took it out on myself in ways im ashamed of” “Kookie you shouldn't be ashamed” “I should. I would hurt and punish myself for my feelings and one time I took it to far. One of the cuts went to deep and I started losing a lot of blood. I freaked out and screamed. Jimin found me and there wasn't really any point in hiding after that. I didn't want to be like that any more and I knew that my hyungs would never leave me alone again if I didn't talk to them. It's hard still. Every single day is hard but they help me” he pointed at Namjoon. “And my brothers help me to. It took time for everyone to adjust to us both being so different and yet so similar but their love for us never changed. Now they always seem to know when shit is getting bad and I can talk to all of them about it. Don't think Jimin's ever forgiven me for that day though” he said looking away sadly. </p>
<p> Jungkook had been through all that? He'd known he had been in hospital for a few days not long ago but they'd all been told it was after an accident in training. Was that where he would've ended up or worse if he hadn't told someone? What if he still wasn't sure if this was what he was? He asked his hyungs that question. </p>
<p>“It doesn't have to be the right label for you. Some people don't like any label but its also not a label that means strictly one thing. It's more of an umbrella term than a strict rule. Take me and Kookie. I don't really identify as male or female at all. I feel like I'm mostly in the middle of the spectrum and vary rarely differ from that. Sometimes I sway a little bit more to the female side of things but It's not often. Kookie on the other hand is vary far in to the female spectrum but doesn't identify as female. We know someone who identifys almost completely to the male side of the spectrum but still wouldn't consider himself cis gendered. Non-Binary can just be a term used to fill in the blanks till you find something that fits more or decide it fits you perfectly.” </p>
<p>“But what do I do if....on days when I can't...deal with...that” god he felt so embarrassed having to talk about that with his hyungs, where they even his hyungs now? Should he ask them?, and with Soobin right next to him but if he couldn't ask them then who could he? Jungkook was looking away now and he could see the slight red tinge to their cheeks. Namjoon on the other hand didn't seem phased at all. “There are options. Some drastic some not. Sometimes over time with developing confidence in your identity it doesn't bother you any more. Some people have therapy and others use tools and such to make going to the bathroom easier. In some cases people even opt for surgery but that really isn't an option for everyone.” He didn't want surgery. He was bad enough when he got his piercings done. He may or may not have cried for an hour before and after about it. Therapy didn't sound right either. Talking about it to people he trusted was hard enough but a complete stranger would be impossible. “What did you do?” was that to far? Was that improper? Oh god why couldn't he keep his mouth shut. “I never had as much of a problem with it as most people. I just learned to accept it was a part of me but wasn't who I was. My issue has always been with my chest not my genitals”.</p>
<p>“I've not gotten used to it yet. It's harder for me...I don't like what's there and I don't like to look at it let alone touch it but then sometimes I forget and I don't mind. I think one day I'll accept my body for what it is but I need time” He understood that. He didn't mind his face he didn't mind his legs or abs but ...there...and his chest were things that always bothered him especially lately. </p>
<p>He sighed and fell back into the sofa. All this information it was a lot to take in. He still had so many questions but his energy was drained. Every question he got answered just gave him a million more to add to the list. Like, was he even supposed to use male pronouns now? He didn't think they fit him but he found the they and them pronouns confusing. What did he tell Soobin? If he asked Soobin to call him certain things then the others would find out to and was he ready for that? Would that be to risky if they let something slip? “Yeonjunie are you okay?” “I don't know” he answered honestly. “I don't think I even know what okay is. God why can't this just be easy” “It will get easier. I promised I'd help you and I will. We just gotta figure out what works for you.” </p>
<p>“Yeah and you've already got the cute outfits down. I saw that picture of you in that cute skirt. Like pastels aren't my thing but even I can admit it was cute” </p>
<p>“Pastels aren't your think because you're a wanna be goth and a brat Kookie” Jungkooks face was priceless “Hey! I resent that! Being goth still isn't as bad as naming yourself fucking RAP MONSTER.” His desire to cry went completely out the window as he cracked up laughing at the pair bickering back and forth over their clothes and interests. It reminded him of Beomgyu and Taehyuns bitch fits at home. They went on like that for a while with the volume getting louder and louder until Yoongi poked his head round the door and yelled at them both to shut the fuck up. Of course this only made them laugh which was louder than they had been before.</p>
<p>When things finally calmed down and his shoulders felt a lot lighter than they had in a long time he decided maybe he should get back to training and let his hyungs get back to recording. They each gave him a hug and put both their numbers into his phone and made him promise he'd call or text if he ever needed anything. He left the room arm in arm with Soobin and walked back to their rehearsal room to find the maknaes in the exact same position he'd left them in with Kai still attempting to perform the same trick he'd been doing earlier. God he loved those idiots. </p>
<p>~~</p>
<p>It was late at night again at their dorm and he couldn't sleep. He'd been mulling things over in his head about what Namjoon and Jungkook had said and decided a few things and was unsure of everything else. One thing he did know was he was eternally grateful to have Soobin as his friend and he could never repay him for it all. </p>
<p>He slid out of his bed and into Soobin's who has expected immediately wrapped his arms around him. “Soobin?” he asked giving the younger boy a nudge “Can I talk to you?” his eyes immediately opened and looked back at him “what's up Yeonjunie?” “I think I want to try using neutral pronouns...just for a bit....see how it feels” god he felt like such a wet blanket now he seemed to be crying at every turn and spilling all his secrets to Soobin at every chance he got. They felt a soft kiss pressed to their head like he'd done to them so many times. They froze under his touch...that was the first time they'd used neutral pronouns in their head...it felt...good.... They were shaken from their own thoughts when an even harder kiss was pressed to their cheek. “I love you Yeonjunie. You are my best friend and I will support you no matter what pronouns you want to use now or in the future.” their heart felt all squishy and soft as they were hugged even tighter by Soobin. “Love you to Soobin”. </p>
<p>~~</p>
<p>The next morning Soobin had asked them if they wanted him to speak to the maknaes or if they wanted to do it themselves. Yeonjun didn't think they were ready to speak to the brats yet but they had to find out one way or another or else they'd all get a bit confused whenever Soobin spoke to them. </p>
<p>Soobin had rounded the brats up before they left for school and they'd heard them murmuring from the bedroom but couldn't make out what was being said. The maknaes all left for school without coming to pester them so they figured it had all gone well and Soobin had answered any questions they'd had. </p>
<p>Later that evening when the maknaes had come back home whilst they were still lounging across the sofa whilst Soobin played with their hair and read his book the lot of them had pounced on them full force and they were smothered in a hug attack that they would all deny wasn't just an excuse to start a pile on. “Gerrof” they whined shoving the brats off “my ribs! Get off”. Soobin made no attempt to save them from this horrific attack. “Yeonjunie!!” Beomgyu yelled “We love you!” “Does that mean I can put your hair in pig tails now?” Hyuka asked pulling at their hair. “No the fuck it does not” “oooh please Yeonjunie! Please” “Give up now. You know as well as I do that you aren't going to say no to him if he starts pouting” Taehyun said and with that Hyuka put on his most exaggerated pouting face with added puppy eyes. Taehyun was right as ever. They weren't going to say no to any of the little brats. Taehyun, always more reserved in his affection than the others leaned in again once they were freed from the dog pile to give them an extra hug “We really do love you Yeonjunie.” Even more of the weight they'd carried on their shoulders lifted and it felt good. </p>
<p>Later that night they'd texted Namjoon and Jungkook and thanked them for their help. They told them that soon they would all have to meet up and have a meal and they could ask any more questions they or any of their band mates had. Or they could just go and have a day out doing stupidly fun things. They both sounded good to them. </p>
<p>They felt so lucky to have the support of so many people around them to help them when things got tough. Even if half of them were complete and utter brats.</p>
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